Friday, May 16, 2008

Husbands Who cheat...with other men.

A little more than ten years ago, an article in a local paper caught my attention. It wasn’t just that it was well written (which it was), but the subject matter, because it corresponded so closely with research I was already doing in preparation for writing my novel, truly piqued my interest. The article began with the information that doctors, investigators and social scientists were puzzled by a sudden increase in HIV/AIDS cases in Long Island. The thing that really made this outbreak all the more mysterious was that the great majority of these new HIV/AIDS cases involved heterosexual married women. Subsequent investigation revealed that most of these women had been infected by their husbands who, it was later found out, had been sexually involved with some of the young male prostitutes that regularly ply their trade on the streets of New York City. In one extreme case, one of those husbands murdered his entire family fearing he’d passed the HIV/AIDS virus on to them because of his extramarital dalliances with male prostitutes.
Men sleeping with men certainly isn't new, even married men having sex with other males isn't a new idea, I believe it was Alexander the Great who said,and I paraphrase here, "A woman to bear children, a boy for fun." What has seemingly brought all this to the fore is the attention it's getting from and through the media. Recent events headlined in national news were the arrests of a famous celebrity, a couple of senators and other politicians, and top executives of Disney (of all places!) for either allegedly trolling public restrooms for man-on-man quickies, or for promoting child pornography. In 2007 alone, there were at least ten instances of well-known or at least well-to-do married "straight" men arrested by police or captured by the media either having sex or attempting to have sex with other men in public places, or in the case of the media; discreetly in motels or hotels. What confuses many of the friends and family (especially the wives) of these men is that they insist that they are "straight." Very few of these men ever admit to being homosexual, even when caught in the act of performing what is clearly a homosexual act. A few years ago a non-fiction book was published on the subject of men, specifically black men, secretly being sexually involved with other men. "On the Down Low: A Journey into the Lives of 'Straight' Black Men Who Sleep with Men" (Hardcover)by J.L. King (Author), became a best-seller.
What are the factors involved that would cause a seemingly happily married man to pursue a sexual relationship with another man? I would imagine they are the same as those that would lure a man into an extramarital affair with someone of the opposite sex. Other factors may contribute to the liaison(s) with other men however, such as latent( or not so latent) homosexual desire, easier sexual access, the thrill of performing a societal taboo... one or more of those things could be a deciding factor in causing or luring a married man into a covert homosexual relationship. In actuality however, the reasons a probably as complicated and numerous as the number of persons involved in such affairs. It would probably take a lot more knowledge in the area than I have, and many years of study to figure it all out completely.

My novel Chickenhawk was inspired, at least in part, by the revelations in those previously mentioned newspaper articles.

34 comments:

Renee said...

I think what bothers me about this is the desire to force men who engage in sexual acts with other men to declare themselves homosexual. If as queer theory posits that sexuality is indeed fluid the declaration would indeed be a falsehood.

Dolly said...

WHat defines gay?! ALthough no one should have to carry a label we must be true to the people in our lives to allow them to make their own decisions.
I found out that my husband was having sexual encounters with men. It cleared a lot up for me. He thinks he is straight. Now that I have filed for a div he is shocked. Odd!
I will read your book.

BeforeFamily said...

My husband also was having relations with other men, found evidence, yet he would never admit he had. He said it was all a rouse for another reason, and it was false. I have divorced him in the meantime, and he as well is confused as to why I left him...I don’t get it. Why would I stay with a man who cheats? And one who cheats with other men. I did not want to be one of those wives who got AIDS from a philandering spouse

Unknown said...

I just got divorced on Tuesday from a man who still hasn't admitted that he was cheating with other men even though I found the emails clearly defining just that. I never knew what was wrong in the marriage - just knew something wasn't right. This should be a crime against women. How does any woman trust another man after this ?

Anonymous said...

I am one of those terrible married men who has cheated with other men. My wife found out at the beginning of our marriage when I asked for an annulment for making such a terrible mistake. We love each other and most of my life I have buried myself in work doing three jobs and going on to higher and higher degrees at the University as an escape from myself. I have asked for divorce. I have tried to change. I have been to many psychiatrist and phsychologist and have been on anti-depressants for decades. We have four children. I know I am gay but I have never really been able to lie very successfully. My wife does not want a divorce...not that she approves of my relationships with other men. She hates it with a passion. She is convinced it is a sin, a choice, and a path to hell. I love her but do consider suicide probably the only respectable solution.

Taina said...

I agree with Brenda, it is a cruel crime against women. Sadly, there is no resource of help for most of us, especially when divorce is not an option for me at this point, it's too complicated but will find my way out of this misery and get a divorce by next year.

I just wish I knew where I could get some kind of help, I'm trying to find peace until I can get a divorce. I have children and been married for a decade and half. I found out over a year ago, but he denies any intimacy, just claims curiosity, unfortunately, it seems highly unlikely as he had been meeting people who he conversed with online but claims, never to have had any physical contact. I believed him at first and gave him a chance, asking him to reveal the complete truth, but that failed as I happened to discover further evidence from a witness who shared some with me. I have kept that confidential, although he suspects, but the more he denies, the harder it seems to live under the same roof with what seems my worst enemy.

I pray for all of you & hope for the best for everyone suffering.
As for you Carl, please note that truth is a gateway to heaven, it's not too late, be honest & stop hurting & destroying your family, they don't deserve it. The truth will set you free!

Unknown said...
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Unknown said...

I will definately read your book. I have filed for divorce 1 week ago after finding emails to another man and inviting him to our house to enoy the hot tub. I can and have worked through alot in our marriage, but this is difficult. He too admits he's straight and monogomous. I can't trust the fact anymore. It really helps hearing that I'm not the only women that has gone through this.

Unknown said...

I am in shock of how much this has been going on and so little really said about it in the open! We live in a society that accepts this as a dark side in everyday life! I caught my husband having sexual affairs with other men online and over the phone. I feel that he was meeting up with these men! He acted shocked by my discuss as if it wasn't cheating! He said "I am only having fun!" like it was ok!? I am more confused by his lack of understanding why I was and am so hurt! What is going on with them to think that its ok? Why doesn't he think its wrong? I am definitely filing for divorce! I can't live with this always in the back of my mind!

Unknown said...

Just curious how many of you found that your husbands problems started online with other men? Or should I say seem to have started online? I have four children with my husband and we have been to gather for over 10 years! I to new something wasn't right but couldn't put my finger on it until two days ago. I am so angry because if it were another woman I could fight for my marriage, but how do you fight this? You cant! Its just not right to marry some one knowing you are not attracted to them!

pbaby1981 said...

I just found out my husband met some one on Craig's list 2 time.He says he don't know why it happened but never would again. I didn't know so many people went thru this. I'm not sure what do do.we have a 6 and 5 yr old

Arnaldo Lopez Jr. said...

Well Renee, I'm afraid that l disagree with what Queer theory may postulate or otherwise theorize regarding sex or sex categories. A person fond of having sex with corpses is still performing an act of necrophilia no matter how any other group or person may want to "posit" otherwise. Ergo, a person engaged in and enjoying gay sex on a more or less regular basis can be rightly presumed to be homosexual.

Jazz said...

Sadly after 20 years of marriage, I found out my husband has been meeting other older men to quench his thirst that comes from childhood molestation. We have three children and I am so angry, hurt...it has been a long rough ride! I have decided to stay with him, only because he was a good companion and a wonderful father for our children - we were just never happy in bed. He regrets it and says it will never happen. He has no choice but to open up in front of me because I had access to all his gay email accounts. I read all those emails dating back to 4 years. However, he recently started meeting with his daddy buddies, 6 so far. Never had sex but did perform oral sex. Although I chose to live with him and he is trying his best to keep me happy - I have changed into someone I do not know. I am always lost, absent minded, quickly get frustrated, I have lost all my goals in life. I do not know what I am doing anymore. I am mainly angry because I have lost 20 years of my life working towards something that was never there! :(

Kelsey Martin said...

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Sexy One said...

If I ever found out my guy was having sex with other men the only part that would upset me is that I wasn't asked to watch them. My guy is bi-sexual and I love it. If we ever broke up I would never date anyone again unless they were bi-sexual. It's always been my biggest fetish and I enjoy it intensely when he has sex with other men and I get to watch. He refuses to ever go without me.

Laura01 said...

A week ago my partner revealed he had full sex with other men before we got together 25 years ago. He also told me that 8 years ago he went looking for sex with an older man but got beaten up (at the time he told me he was attacked while out walking) & he admitted to ' a thing' with an old male family friend.

The only reason he revealed these things to me was because we were going to start couple counselling & he knew they would come out.

My world has fallen apart, I'm 60 & I thought we had a great relationship & would be together forever.

He says it's a compulsion brought on by sexual abuse by his older brother when he was 11.

Desperate to get my head around this but I can never sleep with a man who sleeps with other men.

Jazz said...

Dear Laura,
I feel your pain. It hurts. I could never understand how a painful experience brings out an urge to repeat something that they never liked to begin with. Anyhow, hang in there. you have spent your golden years of your life with this man and I'm sure it is because he was a nice husband to you. With time the memory will fade, allow time to heal you. Don't rush into forcing your brain to understand, we will never be able to understand. It's been 2 years after d day. I'm still with him and enjoying a life I had always dreamed of. The only thing diff now is I don't desire to follow the dreams. I gave up
On them before I had even found out. Hang in there dear...atleast you spend good part of your life not knowing and enjoying life.

test said...
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Unknown said...

My husband was my Best friend, confidant and soulmate, I thought. I started finding gay porn a few months after marriage when I was pregnant with our son. My husband always claimed the porn was curiosity. He thought he might be bisexual had no interest in actually exploring it. Our love for each other seemed very strong but sex always seem to be lacking. I was the initiator and he seemed to lacked passion on his part. He claimed he had low testosterone however would always said that the doctors would never do anything about it. He would make excuses, anything from being tired, stress, the kids were in the house etc not to exclude blaming me various things. Eight months ago I discovered an app on his phone to a gay hook up site. He pleaded, apologized, cried and swore that he didn't meet anybody… he swan everybody's life that it was all harmless chatting (as if that were acceptable). However he didn't realize the hook up lead to a secret email account, he was beside himself, as I read through almost 10 years of answering and placing ads from craigslist which included flirting, picture swapping and meeting men to exchange "what ever they wanted” which he swears to this day was only oral sex. There may have been 100 meetings, I quit counting. My whole life turned inside out the day. My life for the past 20 years was a sham. All of the love we shared our hopes, dreams, retirement plans etc. were gone. I lost my husband and my best friend at the same time. It felt like come bricks we're being piled on my chest while I was trying to breath. I couldn't eat for days and when I did I got sick. I didn't trust any decision I needed to make. I thought like if I didn't see that happening I can't be competent enough to make a decision about anything else. I couldn't believe I didn't notice something sooner. He claimed that he stopped meeting men 3 years prior to me finding the app on his phone and that he has only been chatting. Regardless, I immediately got tested for STDs and STI’s, he did as well, we were told we both have HSV1. We had decided not to make a decision for the first year. We live in the same house as somewhat friends. I'm still angry, sad and lost. I feel like he's stole 20 years of my life. He denied me a sexual relationship and intimacy when I was at my peak. I sacrificed and did without because I thought he had a medical condition and I wanted to be a faithful wife. Unfortunately he did not have that type of commitment to our relationship or love for me. He now says that he is completely heterosexual and realizes his desire to have oral sex with a man stems from a molestation which he was forced to givr oral sex to an older relative as a child. He feels he had a compulsion to figure what happened to him by repeating the behavior while he was in control. I don’t know what to belive or even if the reasons matter at this point. To this day, I can't imagine ever loving or trusting anyone again.

Jazz said...

I would like to communicate with you Val on email. Since your story is exactly like mine, I'm curious to compare and understand that whole drama of experiencing it an earlier age with an older man. How can they want to experience something they hated?!

Unknown said...
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Unknown said...

Jazz, I think they removed my post. Maybe due to having a email address so I’ll send it this way…
I use gmail.

This is what I wrote:

Jazz,
Thank you for reaching out. The ironic thing is, through my tears, I read your posts to my husband last night. I haven't shared what I'm going through with anyone… I feel like I live in the closet. Your post inspired me to write my story. As I read my story again, I realize I need to fix the grammar. I was so upset. If you want to chat privately please feel free to contact me directly at qwertywzz123 at gmail I’d love to chat. I don't use that address often but I will check it and look for your message.

I would like to talk about your question here on this blog because it might be helpful for others that are going through this.

This is hard stuff to digest at our age. I just can't imagine being a confused teen trying to sort this out. It was difficult enough just trying to figure out who and what I was and wanted during those years.

This is what I interpreted from my husband's explanation... his 40+ year old godfather began to groom him at about 12 or 13 (he can't remember exactly). It started by showing a positive interest in him as a male role model because his father never realized he existed (except to yell or belittle him). He craved the the attention and trusted him because he was relative. The sexual curiosity, trust, attention, familiarity etc. provided the perfect environment for such an ordeal to take place. His godfather begin touching and completed with oral sex which made it an overall positive experience. Of course he felt confused but it felt good so it naturally became the focus of masturbation. The second encounter he was forced aggressively to give oral sex to his godfather, nothing positive at all. It was scary, confusing, deeply disturbing and he didn't want anything to do with him again. Boys are embarrassed to admit that they allowed something like that to happen… actually they didn't "allow "it all they were manipulated and coerced by an experienced adult that knows exactly what he's doing. It took me pointing out to him that he didn't “allow" this and a child can't give permission to engage in sex. He was groomed, molested and raped!!! He cried so deeply realizing he was a victim.

My husbands now besides me explaining to me as I write this… the ordeal planted a seed that he tried to bury but it only grew in silence. In the back of his head he sometimes questioned his sexual orientation as he dated girls through high school. It was so confusing because the first encounter felt good, did that make him gay? He knew his desires where with girls but it was always a question he pushed down. During his senior year his friend was having a party for her gay father. He was intoxicated and went home with a guy and had oral sex. He says when he sobered up he was horrified. it felt wrong and he knew that wasn't what he wanted but parts that felt good continue to confuse him.

I need to mention that my husband recalls being fascinated with heterosexual porn and a very young age, maybe 5 or 6. We came across a really interesting article about porn addiction www.yourbrainonporn.com (I hope this blog allows links)
He speculates the porn addiction mixed with the molestation led to watching gay porn.


I can understand the experimental curiosity part when you're young but I like you Jazz don't understand the random multiple sex partners while being married. He has tried to explain it a 100 times, in a 100 different ways. I wish he could have shared his feelings and we could have work to find answers. The infidelity, lying and cheating has been devastating and there's no excuse for it.

Unknown said...

My intention was not to leave a random few sentences in my previous post about porn addiction. However, my husband feels that the porn addiction coupled with the molestation made the homosexuality more acceptable. He refuses to watch porn now and is convinced he has a porn addiction that was coupled with a same-sex oral sex obsession due to attempting to work through what happened to him. This is a website that is very helpful to support someone with a porn addiction... https://www.nofap.com

On the topic of questioning sexual orientation, there is a wonderful book called "Is My husband Gay, Straight or Bi?” I don’t agree with it 100% but it’s definitely a great read that has helped us tremendously!

He asks men 4 questions to attempt to gauge if they are possibly gay or maybe working through something that has impacted their life.
Does he really want a man?
Ask him...
1. As a child did you have a crush on boys or girls?
2. Is he homophobic? (most closeted gays are severely homophobic & gay bash. He says strait men are not)
3. When you are on the beach do you look at men or women?
4 .Who do you want to wake up next to? A man or a woman?

This is a YouTube video of the author Joe Kort talking about men that have sex with men.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdk6w-Y2nlc

There is also online groups you may want to google The strait spouse network , SSN and making mixed marriages work (for people trying to stay with their spouse that has a different sexual orientation) MMOMW (it's a Yahoo group). There is also, mixed orientation marriages MOM (I don't know much about)

I know I’m all over the place and I apologize. I just hope this helps someone. Hugs to everyone that has had to work through this, you are not alone.

Unknown said...

Wow thank u for your encouragement. I'm totally gutted but know who's hand I'm in .just found out today the same thing.lots help me

Unknown said...

Lisa, I’m so sorry… If you need some one to chat with let me know.

Yazz said...
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Jazz said...

Hang in there Lisa! We are here for you...be strong! Its very painful and tormenting.

Unknown said...

I am so lost and alone. My partner of 10 years has also been living a lie sleeping with men behind my back. Which I discovered this week. I think the best thing u can do for both of us is to end whatever the hell this wierd cover up has become. He was my friend for several years before we were a couple. Betrayal doesn't even come close.

Unknown said...
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Unknown said...
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1race said...

This has just happened to me. Selfish lying deceitful myast 18 years all a lie

1race said...

Thankyou x

Unknown said...

Why am I here? I find myself looking for answers that I dont really want to know...well, some things I have to know. I just unveiled this hideous closet monster 2 weeks ago tomorrow, and I am supposed to have erased it from my mind, never speak of it, maintain a smile and cheerful disposition. He will NOT admit to any of the endless evidence I have, he has blamed one of his friends, one of his sons, claims he only "talks" to these people out of boredom and has never met with any of them. I said, "boredom"? We started off with a 6 month stretch of sex everyday, sometimes several times a day, then like a wall came down and he was too tired, he has to get up super early and cant keep staying up to be intimate with the woman he proposed to. Around this time, he started humping the bed and moaning, moving his mouth as if he were going down on someone and talking in his sleep. When I say something to him about it, he says that he cant control what happens while he is sleeping, and on a very small level, I get it, but really dude, don't play games with me, I am far more intelligent than that.
However, he has been talking to women and men, but I think he is more into the men.
I am just sick. Sick to my stomach, sick,sick,fucking sick.
I am sorry that anyone has to find out the person they thought was their forever person, soul mate...etc, turned out to be living a secret double life and for most of us, the entire relationship has been bullshit.
It is so fucking wrong to allow someone to fall in lpve with you, trust ypu

Unknown said...

Oops, I wasnt quite finished...
Anyways Im just saying, how shitty it is to know that you ruined someones life....on purpose. If you have no intention to give every bit of the love, trust, loyalty that you are given, then fuck off. Dont break the spirit of another woman just because you can or because you have serious control issues, or lack there of. If you cant love one unconditionally and faithfully, then you have no right to decide the fate of another.
I am broken beyond words. I am a mess, lost in a dark, numb world I have never been before. I thought I had found my one, he allowed me to believe that anyways. How cruel, how cold.
I dont know what to do, where to turn, how to make sense of my own emotions...like I feel dead inside and he acts like nothing has happened. When I am quiet or when my eyes are drowning in puddles of tears that havent fallen yet, he asks me, like a fucking jerk, "what's wrong" with a sincere concern for my feelings. And I say, "nothing", because thats what he wants to hear, but argues that there must be something wrong.
I mean, how the fuck did this happen?
I am a smart woman. I let him inside and he destroyed everything. Everything. I have been through a lot in my life, more than many and I have struggled everyday to overcome the devastation that has become my life but this, this has kicked the life right out of me.
I gave him my all, and got back shit.