A crime novelist is....

In defference to the spirit of the holiday season, I thought I'd lighten the topic of crime by offering a humorous (but realistic) look at what makes a crime novelist:


You know you are a crime novelist when...

10. ...if you don’t answer the phone because you’ve just stepped out of the shower, for the rest of the day you worry that the robber who called to ensure no one was at home is going to show up on your doorstep–or in your basement.

9. ...you see the flashers of a cop car behind you and you’re pretty sure they're pulling you over to ask for your help in solving a major crime


8. ...you're certain that at some point in your life you are going to discover human remains and it won’t be in a funeral home or a graveyard

7. ...you know the number for Crime Stoppers and have to resist calling in tips on what murder investigators ought to be doing. You also want to read them your list of suspects.


6. ...you think your novel is more exciting and more realistic than that "other author’s" True Crime books.

5. ...you vehemently deny that you ever wanted a ‘real’ career in law enforcement. And you lock all your doors and are in bed by 10:00 pm–unless you are in the middle of writing an exciting scene. In which case you go to bed two hours before your alarm goes off.

4. ...you believe you would be a good candidate for the next Commander in Chief of the RCMP and are a bit disappointed when no one calls.

3. ...you believe that cops are simply engaging in an grand conspiracy of denial when they say real-life policing is not nearly as exciting as it is on TV.

2. ...the lady crossing the street in a wheelchair looks suspicious to you.

AND...the top trait of a Crime novelist:

...you think your manuscripts are so compellingly realistic that publishers are rejecting them out of fear that either the police or organized crime will come after them if they print your novels!


Happy Holidays to you all and the very best in 2011!

2011 will be an excellent year for me.  I'm excitedly awaiting the release of my debut novel SCHRODINGER'S CAT by WolfSinger Publications.  Can hardly wait.

Eileen Schuh, Author
SCHRODINGER'S CAT