Friday, May 16, 2008

Husbands Who cheat...with other men.

A little more than ten years ago, an article in a local paper caught my attention. It wasn’t just that it was well written (which it was), but the subject matter, because it corresponded so closely with research I was already doing in preparation for writing my novel, truly piqued my interest. The article began with the information that doctors, investigators and social scientists were puzzled by a sudden increase in HIV/AIDS cases in Long Island. The thing that really made this outbreak all the more mysterious was that the great majority of these new HIV/AIDS cases involved heterosexual married women. Subsequent investigation revealed that most of these women had been infected by their husbands who, it was later found out, had been sexually involved with some of the young male prostitutes that regularly ply their trade on the streets of New York City. In one extreme case, one of those husbands murdered his entire family fearing he’d passed the HIV/AIDS virus on to them because of his extramarital dalliances with male prostitutes.
Men sleeping with men certainly isn't new, even married men having sex with other males isn't a new idea, I believe it was Alexander the Great who said,and I paraphrase here, "A woman to bear children, a boy for fun." What has seemingly brought all this to the fore is the attention it's getting from and through the media. Recent events headlined in national news were the arrests of a famous celebrity, a couple of senators and other politicians, and top executives of Disney (of all places!) for either allegedly trolling public restrooms for man-on-man quickies, or for promoting child pornography. In 2007 alone, there were at least ten instances of well-known or at least well-to-do married "straight" men arrested by police or captured by the media either having sex or attempting to have sex with other men in public places, or in the case of the media; discreetly in motels or hotels. What confuses many of the friends and family (especially the wives) of these men is that they insist that they are "straight." Very few of these men ever admit to being homosexual, even when caught in the act of performing what is clearly a homosexual act. A few years ago a non-fiction book was published on the subject of men, specifically black men, secretly being sexually involved with other men. "On the Down Low: A Journey into the Lives of 'Straight' Black Men Who Sleep with Men" (Hardcover)by J.L. King (Author), became a best-seller.
What are the factors involved that would cause a seemingly happily married man to pursue a sexual relationship with another man? I would imagine they are the same as those that would lure a man into an extramarital affair with someone of the opposite sex. Other factors may contribute to the liaison(s) with other men however, such as latent( or not so latent) homosexual desire, easier sexual access, the thrill of performing a societal taboo... one or more of those things could be a deciding factor in causing or luring a married man into a covert homosexual relationship. In actuality however, the reasons a probably as complicated and numerous as the number of persons involved in such affairs. It would probably take a lot more knowledge in the area than I have, and many years of study to figure it all out completely.

My novel Chickenhawk was inspired, at least in part, by the revelations in those previously mentioned newspaper articles.

10 comments:

Renee said...

I think what bothers me about this is the desire to force men who engage in sexual acts with other men to declare themselves homosexual. If as queer theory posits that sexuality is indeed fluid the declaration would indeed be a falsehood.

Dolly said...

WHat defines gay?! ALthough no one should have to carry a label we must be true to the people in our lives to allow them to make their own decisions.
I found out that my husband was having sexual encounters with men. It cleared a lot up for me. He thinks he is straight. Now that I have filed for a div he is shocked. Odd!
I will read your book.

Back at Life said...

My husband also was having relations with other men, found evidence, yet he would never admit he had. He said it was all a rouse for another reason, and it was false. I have divorced him in the meantime, and he as well is confused as to why I left him...I don’t get it. Why would I stay with a man who cheats? And one who cheats with other men. I did not want to be one of those wives who got AIDS from a philandering spouse

Brenda said...

I just got divorced on Tuesday from a man who still hasn't admitted that he was cheating with other men even though I found the emails clearly defining just that. I never knew what was wrong in the marriage - just knew something wasn't right. This should be a crime against women. How does any woman trust another man after this ?

Carl said...

I am one of those terrible married men who has cheated with other men. My wife found out at the beginning of our marriage when I asked for an annulment for making such a terrible mistake. We love each other and most of my life I have buried myself in work doing three jobs and going on to higher and higher degrees at the University as an escape from myself. I have asked for divorce. I have tried to change. I have been to many psychiatrist and phsychologist and have been on anti-depressants for decades. We have four children. I know I am gay but I have never really been able to lie very successfully. My wife does not want a divorce...not that she approves of my relationships with other men. She hates it with a passion. She is convinced it is a sin, a choice, and a path to hell. I love her but do consider suicide probably the only respectable solution.

Taina said...

I agree with Brenda, it is a cruel crime against women. Sadly, there is no resource of help for most of us, especially when divorce is not an option for me at this point, it's too complicated but will find my way out of this misery and get a divorce by next year.

I just wish I knew where I could get some kind of help, I'm trying to find peace until I can get a divorce. I have children and been married for a decade and half. I found out over a year ago, but he denies any intimacy, just claims curiosity, unfortunately, it seems highly unlikely as he had been meeting people who he conversed with online but claims, never to have had any physical contact. I believed him at first and gave him a chance, asking him to reveal the complete truth, but that failed as I happened to discover further evidence from a witness who shared some with me. I have kept that confidential, although he suspects, but the more he denies, the harder it seems to live under the same roof with what seems my worst enemy.

I pray for all of you & hope for the best for everyone suffering.
As for you Carl, please note that truth is a gateway to heaven, it's not too late, be honest & stop hurting & destroying your family, they don't deserve it. The truth will set you free!

Betty Wiseman said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Christy Doherty said...

I will definately read your book. I have filed for divorce 1 week ago after finding emails to another man and inviting him to our house to enoy the hot tub. I can and have worked through alot in our marriage, but this is difficult. He too admits he's straight and monogomous. I can't trust the fact anymore. It really helps hearing that I'm not the only women that has gone through this.

rrzzus said...

I am in shock of how much this has been going on and so little really said about it in the open! We live in a society that accepts this as a dark side in everyday life! I caught my husband having sexual affairs with other men online and over the phone. I feel that he was meeting up with these men! He acted shocked by my discuss as if it wasn't cheating! He said "I am only having fun!" like it was ok!? I am more confused by his lack of understanding why I was and am so hurt! What is going on with them to think that its ok? Why doesn't he think its wrong? I am definitely filing for divorce! I can't live with this always in the back of my mind!

rrzzus said...

Just curious how many of you found that your husbands problems started online with other men? Or should I say seem to have started online? I have four children with my husband and we have been to gather for over 10 years! I to new something wasn't right but couldn't put my finger on it until two days ago. I am so angry because if it were another woman I could fight for my marriage, but how do you fight this? You cant! Its just not right to marry some one knowing you are not attracted to them!