Wednesday, February 23, 2011

A crime novelist's empty promises...

While on my upcoming vacation in Panama, I hereby promise the universe (and my hubby) that:
  • no time will I diligently seek out a computer with an internet connection
  • ...if by chance I find a computer with internet connection ,I will refrain from writing emails, checking emails, twittering, tweeting, facebooking, scanning headlines, playing Bejeweled (etc., etc., etc.)
  • ...while gazing out across the ocean at sunset, I will not envisage a platoon of marines (pirates, drug smugglers, heavily-armed Americans) advancing toward shore
  • ...while dining out, I will be entirely focused on the company I'm keeping, and the food I am eating, and the conversation I am having--not designing yet another twist to the already-over-complicated plot of my work in progress at home
  • ...I will not conclude that each tiny hint of a military presence means a coup is imminent and our lives are in mortal danger
  • ...I will not spend any time whatsoever trying to create the most imaginative and accurate phrases to describe the Panama Canal (the maid, the river, the ocean, the sand, the waitress, the tall, tanned guy in the yellow Speedo)
  • ...I will not trundle out of bed before sunrise to write in my diary and, lastly...
  • 1 a.m. when we return to Alberta after a 9 hour flight and a two-week vacation, I will not insist we immediately drive the 3 hours home because I'm sure I have a time-sensitive email from an agent (publisher, editor, royal family member) with a contract (royal wedding invitation) attached.
Until next time, it's crime for a holiday!


Cheryl Tardif said...

OMG!! This is hilarious, Eileen. And I can so relate, since I'm off to Mexico for almost 2 weeks.

I'd like to add my empty promises...

1. I will only check my emails in the AM while hubby is still sleeping.

2. I will be my normal, shameless self and promote my books only when appropriate--like in the public washrooms and by the pool.

3. I will not imagine pirates attacking the Carnival Spirit and holding us all for ransom, until I make a deal with their leader to write his memoir, so that he lets everyone go.

4. I will drink many margaritas and mojitos. (OK, this ain't an empty promise!)

"Si, si, senor. Dos margaritas por favor."

Cheryl Kaye Tardif,
bestselling suspense author

Juanita Rose Violini said...

Good luck with that. Both of you.
You're hilarious.

But remember - is you don't keep those promises you'll be laughing all the way to the empty promises prison; where they do have an internet connection - but it's dial-up. The computer keyboards have the keys rearranged so you can only find the correct key by looking in a mirror which has been cracked from side to side. And the only toilet paper are pages ripped from books. Read'em and weep or read'em and wipe, as the case may be.

Be strong sisters! Be strong.

Cheryl Tardif said...

You have just described HELL, Juanita.

Cheryl Tardif said...

I'll start working on my #4 I don't go to Empty Promises Prison Hell.

Eileen Schuh: said...

Oh, lordy, girls! You's both crazier than I am.

Marilyn Meredith a.k.a. F. M. Meredith said...

I bet you don't keep any of them.

I'd never make any of those promises because I know I'd never keep them.